Not My Usual

One of the reasons I keep this blog is to vent and journal my feelings. Good and bad. Most of you have probably noticed that I'm positive and happy the majority of the time...well, this will not be my usual post. And you get to listen as I just get some stuff off my chest - thanks in advance.

Here's a quick snapshot of the last 5 or 6 weeks...I'll try and spare you most of the details. Our routine is completely different during the day with childcare/preschool/Tim's student teaching/etc., our time with the kids is so much shorter in the evenings, Grant hasn't slept through the night since Christmas and is waking at least 4 or 5 times (sometimes up to 8 times) every night screaming, crying, and completely disoriented, both kiddos are getting over ear infections (which has elevated the sleep problems to whole new proportions in the last two weeks), and I'm fighting some serious anxiety of how I'm going to do all of this with dignity after June.

I guess what I'm getting at in all of that is I'm just starting to crack. I've held it together pretty well over the last few weeks. I'm kinda getting good at putting on a front...that's what I do 8 hours of the day in front of customers. Smiley, happy, customer friendly Beth! I think I'm finally at the point where I'm about to lose it. I get up, even if it's only on 2 or 3 hours of sleep, trying to focus on the good of the day and be the mom, wife, and employee I need to be. Today, I just gave in to the emotions...

I left the house this morning in tears. By the time I got out of the neighborhood I was in full sobbing mode. Not the first time that's happened, and guaranteed to not be the last. The minute my foot crosses the threshold of the door onto the front porch, I feel this overwhelmingly heavy guilt as I listen to both of the kids cry for me. I've talked about this before, I'm sure, but I swear I think it'll get easier with time. It just hasn't. I'm so afraid it never will.

I mean, what's so great about having a double income anyway? Could we raise a family of 5 on a teacher's salary? Is my job really worth it? Does it really matter that I'm trying to get my time/money worth out of my MBA? Ahhh!!!!

I'll finish by saying that I know I am truly blessed and I try so hard not take for granted the things God has put in my life. I am learning to praise him in ALL circumstances, but I'm not perfect. I know there are incredible amounts of people and parents fighting tremendously difficult situations right now that I can't even begin to fathom. Guess I'm just caught up in my own little drama for the moment.

That feels better...thanks for reading! Hope you have a good day!